Get this...

Here are a few gems from a recent issue of Business Week magazine:

1. Evian is introducing a new drink, called the 'Palace Bottle', which they bill as an "elite hydration experience." Ha, ha! I can't wait for the day when I can look my foes in the eye, and give them this real punch-in-the-gut response that my hydration experiences have been more 'elite' than theirs. The Palace Bottle will hold Evian's usual water, but will only be available in clubs, hotels, and restaurants. The key is presentation - before serving, waiters will remove the plastic cap (and discard it in a carefree manner) and replace it with a stainless steel spout. Ahhh...talk about living the dream.

2. Princess International Inc. offers for sale an innovative alarm clock guaranteed to get you out of bed in the morning. The clock has an attached whirlybird which, at the time of alarm, takes off. You must track it down, catch it, and return it to the base to turn off the alarm. It is only $25. Get one while supplies last!

The Mountain

Last Saturday, I went on our 3rd Annual Climb Up The Mountain with Jonathon and James. Last year, the whole family (!) went; two years ago, it was just Jonathon and I.

If you examine that last picture closely, you will notice a thunderstorm in the background. That storm was due north of us while we enjoyed our mountaintop lunch, and, we quickly discerned, was moving in a due southerly direction. Ha, Ha! Nothing like a little lightning and heavy rain to spice up your outdoor adventures!

When we deduced that the storm was not going to pass by to the right or to the left, we made a quick rush for tree cover. We didn't make it. We got very wet. We slipped on the rocks. We were, in James' words, having a hard time.

Then, all of a sudden and without warning, unpreturbed by nearby hikers, Jonathon cried out in a loud voice asking God to make it stop raining because we were, in James' words, having a hard time. This should not come as a surprise, but it actually stopped raining almost immediately. It didn't rain another drop whilst we made our way amongst the rocks (although we heard plenty of thunder). It resumed raining when we were under cover of the trees and continued raining the rest of the way down the mountain, but never hard enough to penetrate the leaf cover.

So, that was an interesting adventure, and I think, in spite of the rain and, in James' words, having a hard time, we'll be ready for a 4th Annual Climb when the time comes around next spring.

Flag Day

On this estimable Flag Day, let us pause for a moment and remember the words from the third and fourth verses of our national anthem:

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion
A home and a country should leave us no more?
Their blood has washed out their foul footstep's pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave,
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved homes and the war's desolation,
Blest with victory and peace, may the Heaven - rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just,
And this be our motto --"In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

That third verse is kind of gruesome, but stands are an apropos reminder of the existential threats available in the world. Then, it was the Brits; today, it is the ideology of islamo-fascism. And the grand fourth, of course, reminds us of the means to victory and peace - a benevolent God, and a just cause. Happy Flag Day!

To Tell the Truth, Part II

The best story behind The Seven Statements was, I thought, numero fivo - the buffalo with halitosis. It went like this:

I spent the summer of '96 working at Yellowstone National Park - at the Old Faithful Inn specifically. Since it was too far to commute (the closest WalMart was a 6-hour roundtrip), I stayed in the employee dormitories just behind the Inn.

Although the dorms weren't all that great, and the work wasn't all that stimulating (I cleaned rooms at the Inn), the best part of the summer was that I got two days off every week to wander around the park. Well, that, and that I got to borrow my friend's brand new Camaro on a couple of occasions, but that's another story.

This story involves buffalo, which are very large, dense creatures that exhibit all the wild and enthusiastic behavior we've come to expect from tree trunks. We (the park employees) were told repeatedly that buffalo were dangerous and could run up to 35 miles per hour. I never saw them do this. Although, I did observe a buffalo wander past about 10,000 people faithfully watching that geyser, turn around, pick a woman out of the crowd, and run her down, but that's another story.

The buffalo pretty much went wherever they wanted to, including roads, walkways, and the Lobby to the Old Faithful Inn (I am not making this up). One in particular took up residence around my dorm, although he never did actually make it in the building, thankfully.

The weather in Yellowstone was, like the buffalo, pretty boring. Every day except one (Aug 11, when it snowed), the nights were clear and cold, and the days were clear and hot. Consequently, I usually slept with my window open, to enjoy the refreshing night air.

Well, I'm sure you can imagine where this is headed. For reasons no longer clear to me, I oriented the head of the bed right next to the window. And, on the morning in question, I woke up feeling warm, humid air blowing on the back of my neck. This was odd, I noted, recalling that every morning up till this had been veritably chilly.

So, I slowly turned around and mere inches from my face was the lumbering head of an American Bison. Fortunately, there was a flimsy screen protecting my person from his large teeth. Needless to say, I didn't spend too long savoring the warmth of my bed that morning. Even though the alarm had yet to go off, and wouldn't for quite some time, I got up. Later that day, I re-oriented the bed away from the window.

There you have it. There are many other buffalo stories that could be told...but that's another story.

Psalm 29:3

So this has never happened before...at least not in recorded history. A tropical cyclone - the equivalent of a Cat-4 hurricane - is aiming up the Gulf of Oman towards the coast of Iran. Read about it here.

This is an area that hardly ever sees any rain, much less a tropical storm, much less one with 140-mph winds and enough rain to flood a small state. Might God be speaking through this? Or is it just a freakish result of so-called climate change?

There's a lot of folks in this area in low-lying areas and simple housing that don't have a clue how or the means to deal with what's about to hit them. Many folks who don't know their right hand from their left...and much livestock. May God have mercy.

To Tell the Truth, Part I

I just have to confirm, since I was queried upon their veracity, that each of my Seven Statements are, in fact, true, actual facts. I am not making this up. But before I give the rest of one of the stories, here is a quick anecdote.

Sometimes, when the older two children are in an especially good mood during meals, they will engage in an exposition about "what bad people do." For example, "Bad people steal things." Or, "Bad people don't obey God." Or, "Bad people chew with their mouths open." They do this, I suppose, in a subtle effort to convince their parents that they are not so-called "Bad people." So, recently, the eldest son piped up and said, "Bad people buy things that aren't on sale." He quickly added that he thought of it all by himself.

Okay, so yes, I punched an Arab. In the Muslim Quarter of the Old City. And while surrounded by legions of Arabs. I hasten to add that I did not do this in anger, nor was I, at the time, inebriated.

It was June 24, 2003 and I was on my farewell-march of the Old City, walking through the familiar places one last time before returning to, as you say in America, America. I was exiting through the human traffic jam that is Damascus Gate and everything came to a standstill. As fate would have it, I was stuck right next to an Arab youth (who was actually larger than I) and a group of his buddies.

Said Arab youth had a large rubber band, which he held out fully extended such that the facial aspects of my person were approximately one inch from the receiving end of said band. I remained calm and didn't so much as smirk at him. When, after a few awkward seconds, he didn't remove the band of rubber from being aimed at my face, I put up my hands and put on a look of mock terror. This, apparently, was what he was looking for.

He lowered the band, began to laugh riotously, and exchanged high-fives with his buddies. Then, in a show of peace and magnanimity, he raised his hand to exchange high-fives with me. But, when I motioned to return the five, he removed his hand at the last moment, causing me to merely swing my hand in the air. He and his buddies thought this was hilarious and they again exhanged high-fives.

It was at this moment that I observed my fist moving rapidly up towards his shoulder and, after a quick moment, I deduced that I had punched him. When I say, "I punched him", what I really mean is that I gave him one of those teasing-punch-to-the-shoulder-because-you-just-pulled-a-fast-one-on-me punches. I was not intending to start a brawl, and, thankfully, that is not what happened. But in the moments that ensued, I learned that Arabs do not appreciate teasing punches, especially from geeky-looking Americans. Ha, ha...he told me in no uncertain terms that what I had done was not okay.

In a clear evidence of Divine Intervention and protection, at this very moment, the "traffic" began moving again, and I was able to march off before discovering how this scenario might play out further.