Part 6: Great Scott!

After about a week of somewhat unsteady lack of improvement, this blog’s wife had a suggestion. This is why she is kept around, you know, for her worthwhile suggestions: “No, I would suggest not playing hopscotch on the roof, dear.” Or, “Yes, honey, I would suggest you stop antagonizing that large man with a barbecue fork hiding in the closet.” This time, her suggestion involved me branching out to a section of the Medical Care Establishment somewhat, as they say, off the beaten path. “You should go see my chiropractor.”

Chiropractors are, to put it politely, the laughingstock of the Medical Care Establishment. It is their premise that, by simply “adjusting” the location of various vertebrae, a whole host of ailments can be corrected including, but not limited to, headaches, colds, influenza, indigestion, Marburg hemorrhagic fever, and low gas mileage. Indeed, there is no condition to which the human race suffers that a simple, chiropractic manipulation cannot solve. Or so they say. In fact, some extreme members of the chiropractic community believe that even Jesus Himself was initially a chiropractor before He changed careers and pursued other interests.

The selection of the right chiropractor is also a sensitive matter, since it is tantamount to the establishment of a life-long relationship, not unlike a marriage. There is a joke which illustrates this concept very helpfully: How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it will take him seven visits to do it. So this decision is not to be taken lightly, or made after one has consumed large amounts of expensive medications.

But this blog’s wife’s chiropractor comes highly recommended, as you would expect, and specializes in pediatric and pregnancy-related chiropractic care. So she seemed like a perfectly natural and obvious choice to me. I went to see her on Day 31, and although the historical record will likely decide that it was the right move, it is interesting to note that when I first arrived and was greeted by the sight of several small children running around and the sound of an infant screaming, I began to wonder.

I lay on the chiropractor’s bench, and she began poking and prodding, frowning, and occasionally asking me questions: Does this hurt? Can you lift your leg? What is the capital of Nebraska? Soon, however, she found something which caused her to exclaim and, no doubt, entertain visions of extended vacations to the Caymans. Apparently, one or more of my ribs were severely misaligned, and my sternum was torqued in and to the left. This was not normal, she noted, and indicated that it would require weekly visits until I either died or started collecting Social Security to fix it.

Starting on Day 32, and continuing to the present day, I have perceived something more or less absent from the first month: improvement. Although I haven’t usually been able to discern a difference from one day to the next, I am feeling much better. One doctor told me that improvement from this particular illness should be measured in increments of weeks, rather than days. It seems he was right. Oh, goody. Presently, on Day 58, I find myself back to about 80-85% of my “normal” capacity, and looking forward to the day when I’ll be able to run, jump, bike, swim, and double-flip back handspring. Hey, I’ve never been able to do one of those.

So what was the final, official diagnosis, you ask? In piecing together the professional opinions of cardiologists, emergency department personnel, and yes, even chiropractors, it appears as though on the morning of August 31, I over-extended myself, causing one or more ribs to become misaligned. Over a short amount of time, this caused my sternum to torque in direction God had not had in mind at Creation. Over time, this misalignment of the rib cage either caused or exacerbated an inflammation in my ribs, lungs, or heart, or some combination of the above. At the moment, the inflammation appears to be mostly calmed, and my bones appear to be mostly in their correct places. Thank God.

There you have it. The Medical Care Establishment, at its finest.